Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
