Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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