My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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