Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
