I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
