you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
