glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
