Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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