I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
