Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
