He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
