Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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