I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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