she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
