I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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