apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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