My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
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