He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
