In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
