she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
