somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
