My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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