ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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