This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
