My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
