I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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