If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
