to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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