i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
