I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
