You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
