So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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