I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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