im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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