Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dear god my vagina.
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