Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
