I have demons in me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
