My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
