Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
