I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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