I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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