i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
