Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
