Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
