we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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