My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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