So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
