I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
