My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
