then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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