I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
