shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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