i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
