at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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