yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
