i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
