u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
