Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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