Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
