Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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