Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
