I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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