My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
