Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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